When Emotions Strike

It's not all the time that we are happy and smiling. we just can't avoid those times that we break down and cry. Most of the time, people cry because of pain, loneliness, disappointment, sadness. But crying doesn't only mean sadness. It can also mean happiness. Through those tears, happiness is expressed for the reason that the mouth can't say the words that one wants to share. There are times that we are left with no words to speak.

Believe me that tears doesn't only indicate sadness. Been there, done that- recently. But sad thing is, I hurted someone because of my crying. Thought that I cried because I wasn't happy. And sadly too, it happened a day after my 18th birthday. At the first knock of surprise he prepared, I was really lost for words. I never expected he would able to come up with that kind of surprise. Going back to the surprise, I blurted out words I never meant and cried a bit. But one thing's for sure, I could not help smiling outside and inside. I describe that night as magical. Truly magical. It was the best surprise in my whole life. I even remember saying to myself, "Sana hindi na 'to matapos. Sana 18th birthday ko na lang palagi." But nothing lasts forever. Good thing memories exist. I also remember, right after having dinner I hid behind one of the cottages there and called a college bud and told her how happy I was and still I was crying hard. Really hard. Lumaki kasing iyakin ang batang to. The rest of the night went well but something was bothering me. I knew I had to talk with the person behind it all. I wanted to spend a little time with him and express how much grateful I was. But honestly, I didn't have the guts. Ewan ko ba pero nahiya ako kasi pakiramdam ko hindi ako worthy sa ginawa niya, sa ginawa nila. And now I realized that I should have pursued with my original plan. And even worse, I said things that surely offended him and maybe even them. All of them. I was such an asshole. A jerk. 

The next day we went out for swimming again, ate my birthday cake, the canned tuna and bread I bought, made chitchats with my female barkadas and took pictures. At around 2 in the afternoon, me and a certain girlfriend decided to take a final dip. We were about to go when I suddenly thought of getting my sunglasses. I went back into our cottage and rummaged my bag. Then I saw IT. I knew that was the gift I was waiting for. I was too shocked that I blurted out words that didn't sound good but surely, I didn't mean it. But what was in mind during that time really was to approach the person behind it and say  THANK YOU. After that scene, I went out of the room and had a walk with another girlfriend. She told me everything about the preparation, the stories behind the surprises for my birthday and the person who thought of the whole plan. I was so touched and happy that I could not help but cry. But it was tears of joy. There was no hint of sadness, of discontentment, of dissatisfaction or anything negative. I was happy. So happy. Too happy. I felt special. And after I scanned through the BLACK BOOK  (as I call it), I can't control the tears falling from my eyes. Why did I have a lot of water in my body?! Hell. I can't describe my happiness. Is there a word that is higher than happiness? Well, that was what I felt during that time. But maybe, the crying wasn't good as I thought. It perceived a negative thought on him.

And because of my stupidity, I offended and hurted someone's feelings. And it was all because of my crying. Why did I have to be a crybaby? Why do my emotions strike like that? Why can't I be mindful of my actions? Why can't I control my emotions? I had so much regrets. I thought a lot of "Sana..". "Sana sinunod ko yung first plan ko. Sana hindi kao nagpadala sa emotions ko. Sana naging matino ako nun. Sana, sana, sana." 

He became mad at me. Very mad that he didn't replied to my messages for 4 days or so I think. It was terrible. It hurted me too. A lot. I also cried a lot again. Such a freaking crybaby. Damn it. I can't stand the thought of hurting someone else' feelings, most especially that who I hurted was someone so special and important in my life. I wish- until now, that I could take back everything I've done. But we know that it's impossible. Very impossible. I keep on thinking ways on how to make up to him so that I could take away the wrong impression I've made. But I guess, the negative feeling I created in him will always be remembered by him. It will be a part of his memory already. It's sad. But I made a promise to myself that I'll find ways so that I can make up to him. That I was really happy with everything he has done. That I was contented. That I couldn't ask for more. That IT WAS THE BEST BIRTHDAY OF MY LIFE(and I know it will always be). OR SHALL I SAY THE BEST MOMENT IN MY 18 YEARS OF EXISTENCE. 

So lesson? Watch out for your actions. Even if the heart is too overwhelmed or too happy or too upset, utak pa rin pairalin. Consider the possible consequences when you let your emotions drown you. Trust me, I've been there, remember? :)

With much love,

Klassy Kleah